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Peace In the Middle of Grief

“Sometimes you need to press pause to let everything sink in.” Sebastian Vettel

A few of us traveled to Florida to be at a friend’s thirtieth-anniversary celebration. Arriving and immediately feeling the warmth of the weather was a welcomed change from our snow in the Northeast. My friends had rented a couple of condos,’ and I was fortunate enough to have been invited to share a space overlooking the beautiful Atlantic Ocean from the seventh floor.

Two of the women ended up with the bedrooms in one condo, but I had the best room in the house, the couch in the living room. The living room had sliding glass doors to the balcony, so I would open the doors to 

catch the tropical breeze and hear the waves. Share on X

The Gathering Place

The condo had a dining and living room area where the women would snack, talk, and make plans for the next few days of our visit. However, despite the women’s generosity and warmth they gave to me, I still felt alone. Wearing my heart on my sleeve, it was apparent to anyone that I was broken and in a fog.

We would go out to eat, and conversations took place all around me, but I spent most of my time in silence. The women were incredible, and they tried to draw me out. However, they tended to ask questions about how I felt and offered solutions to my dilemma, which would feed into the thought process that I should be doing better.  

However, a good friend of mine and one of the women I shared the condo with was different. My friend didn’t judge. She

didn't offer suggestions of what I should or shouldn't be doing, Share on X

didn’t try to make it better but what she did do was just listen. She gave me her undivided attention and I felt comfortable enough to share some of the most devastating moments of my loved one’s final days. Feeling safe, I shared and cried over my unimaginable loss. 

Unexpected Blessing

I realized that being at the condo was a blessing that I hadn’t anticipated. In the middle of winter, this getaway provided me with some peace of mind, but more importantly, I felt my heart comforted.

The conversations that I had with this close friend were healing, and the view of the ocean provided a sense of serenity that I hadn’t felt since my loved one’s death.   

I know that on that evening I felt blessed to have a friend like her. The sounds of the crashing waves enabled me to fall asleep and provided a glimpse of some peace in the middle of my grief.

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The Unattended Concert

“Complete strangers can stand silent next to each other in an elevator and not even look each other in the eye. But at a concert, those same strangers could find themselves dancing and singing together like best friends. That’s the power of music.” LZ Granderson


Music was always something that my loved one and I had in common. Even though the genre we enjoyed was different, we loved listening to music at home, in the car, and especially at live venues. Some of my fondest memories continue to be our evenings out at a favorite restaurant followed by a concert. Attending these concerts was a fantastic shared experience and one of the many joys of our marriage.

Attending these concerts were one of the many joys of our marriage. Share on X

Knowing how much he loved concerts and how tenuous his health was the last ten years of his life, we made a concerted effort to buy tickets several months in advance so we could have something to look forward to. However, as his illness progressed, we found that accommodations had to be made, including a place to rest, oxygen, and wheelchair access so we could continue to enjoy going out. There were times that these accommodations made things difficult and, on occasion, so much so that we were unable to attend. But we continued to try, and most of the time, we were able to enjoy the evening out.

My loved one was dead set on attending a rock concert. We both loved the bands playing, and the show was in this beautiful outside theater. The amphitheater seats were in the middle of a field of pine and oak trees. So, I bought two wheelchair-accessible tickets, and the countdown began for our next adventure. However, two weeks before the concert, he had pneumonia, and he never got better.

Today is the anniversary of what would have been the last rock concert that we would have attended. I hold these unused tickets in my hand, and feelings of loss immediately surface. I recognize that he is not only gone from my life, but so is the music that had once filled it. It’s funny how it took today to notice that this was missing from my life.

I hold these unused tickets in my hand and feelings of loss immediately surface. Share on X

I summoned the courage to do something different and getting on my computer I found a concert I wanted to attend. As I clicked on the purchase button, I found myself smiling even though it was two months away. What occurs to me is that, like before, I now have something to look forward to.

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The Anger

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”   Aristotle

An emotion had found me that I did not know what to do with – Anger.  I was angry all the time.  It was justified I would tell myself.  I had a right to be angry.  Illness had taken my loved one and I was without my partner.  All was definitely not right with the world as my life had changed and I was pissed off.

I would try to keep myself together but all I had to do was get in car and the first mistake by the ass driving next to me would bring up anger not fitting for the situation.  I was walking through my life as if it was ok to take my rathe out on: the inconsiderate driver, the slow attendant at the store or the person on the other end of the line.  The problem was that it was never the right person.  So, who was the right person?

It took me a while to realize that I was angry at him and at me. Share on X

It took me a while to realize that I was angry at him and at me.  I was angry that he did not take care of himself through the years, that we did not do more while he was well, that we did not have more time together.  But I was really angry that he lived through that horrible surgery just to die fourteen days later.  I was angry that he fucking died and left me alone.

I found that I was feeling like I had no purpose, no direction and no clue as to what to do next.  Something had to change because even in my grief I knew that it was not ok to live life this way.  The anger I was expressing was leaving a path of destruction from which I would not be able to get through in one piece.

So, I picked up the telephone and spoke with friend.  She suggested that I write a letter to him about my anger and disappointments.  Once I had written this letter, I made my way to the cemetery.  I was filled with apprehension but once I reached his grave, I read the letter.  With tears flowing and some sobbing I was able to say the things that I had kept hidden but felt in my heart.  Leaving I felt a little lighter not really knowing if it was due to the letter or the tears and emotions that I had shed at his gravesite.

It is fifty-six days since my loved one passed and yes, I still get angry but I find that I am making my way back to a better place as I recognize that the anger most certainly is a part of the grief process and one that I am in the middle of.