Like It Used To Be

.Before the COVID19 pandemic, I had a healthy, active, retired life as a widow. I wrote, hiked, went to the movies, the theater, concerts, and of course out to eat with my friends. I would regularly meet a friend and her dog for a walk at our local state park to enjoy the lovely views, beautiful weather, and beginner trails.

However, once the pandemic had been with us for several months, it became clear that life would not go back to normal anytime soon. As our state parks closed, I started walking with a couple of friends throughout our neighborhood. We had a healthy respect for the virus, so our walks would be on opposite sides of the street. The separation ensured much more than 6 feet between us while raising our voices to be heard.

As with all things, time passed, and attitudes changed. The endless debate of wanting to go back to our lives was alive and well. Some people chose to go back to their former activities while I struggled to be safe. So I limited where I went, who I saw, and what I was willing to do. I was left with a handful of friends to meet with on rare occasions with this decision.

Then Came the Isolation 

Living utterly alone, after a couple of months of isolation and loneliness, I found myself getting together with a friend just for human contact. Every couple of weeks, I would drive to her house for dinner. While we sat on her patio, grilled, and just talked. These outings were the highlight of my week and how we spent the summer of 2020.

Eight months into the pandemic, I was looking forward to seeing my friend on the upcoming Saturday. This meal was going to be different as she had invited another acquaintance. Everyone would bring something, and I volunteered to bring fruit for dessert. Thinking of this outing, I decided to get my nails done as it had been months and I thought well deserved.

Friday came, and I made two stops. The first stop was to the grocery store, where I ran in and grabbed fresh fruit, paid at the self-checkout, and ran out. The second stop was at the nail salon, which took much longer. But with all the precautions, I thought it would be ok.

The workers who wore their masks sat behind a plastic shield while I wore my mask. As I turned my head, I saw a patron a couple of seats over, pulling down her mask, talking, and having a drink.

I felt a pit in my stomach, and I knew this was a mistake. Click To Tweet

However, as the technician was close to finishing, I waited and ran out as quickly as possible. I reminded myself not to be so paranoid and that I would be fine.

Saturday came and went. The company was great and what I needed. To not spend another day completely alone and have face-to-face conversations was terrific. Everyone enjoyed the food, and it felt like life was normal, like it used to be.

And then it started

¬†Monday came, and I had body aches, and I was cold. By 10 p.m. I had a fever of 101 degrees, and I felt awful. The reality hit that I could have contracted COVID19, and the mental blaming began for going to the store and nail salon. I couldn’t shake the thought that, oh my god, could I have given it to my friends? The guilt and shame for going to the store and getting my nails done were immediate. I reached out to everyone I had been around to tell them to test as soon as possible.

On Tuesday, I called my physician, who ordered COVID19, Flu A, and Flu B tests, along with calling in prescriptions for azithromycin, Tamiflu, Tylenol, and zinc. On this day, my fever ran from 100.4 with Tylenol and as high as 101.8. I found the fevers relentless, exhausting and I tried to manage them by setting alarms to wake up and take more medicine. The physician stated that if the fever hit 102 degrees to go to the emergency room, so I became preoccupied with checking my fever every few hours.

Wednesday, I went to a lab, got tested, and came home to rest. My fevers continued all day, and it wasn’t easy to function as my body needed endless amounts of sleep. On Thursday, to my disbelief, my physician’s office called to tell me that all three tests came back negative. I advised them that my fever hit 102, and they told me to continue with the medications, call them the next day, and if I got worse, to go to the emergency room. On this day, the only good news was my friend saying that everyone got tested, and they were all negative.

¬†Having experienced a terrible night with 102.6, chills, and severe exhaustion, I packed a bag, got in my car, and went to the emergency room. I was there for 4 hours as they ran more tests, gave me IV fluids, and came in to tell me that my COVID19 test came back positive. They prescribed more antibiotics, something for the cough, and sent me home. When I got to my car, I started sobbing uncontrollably. In despair that I had been released without anyone at home to help me was unimaginable. It just made me cry to the point that I was having trouble breathing. That’s when the fear took over as I had never experienced this kind of debilitating illness.

Saturday was a blur, and to my dismay, the only way I would wake up was when I was burning hot with a fever. My routine became checking to see how high my temperature was, drinking some water with more Tylenol, and laying back down. Sometime during the night, I realized that I was burning hot but debated whether to get up or sleep longer. I must have done this for several hours, and then a moment of clarity hit that

If I didn't get up, I would die in my bed. Click To Tweet

The thought that got me out of bed was realizing that I wouldn’t be able to take my dream vacation to New Zealand. With that in mind, I got up and checked my temperature. As I glanced at the thermometer, I saw 104.8, and I knew I needed to get help. I grabbed my phone, called 911, and explained my situation. They asked me to stand outside as they would not enter the house because of the COVID19 virus.

I didn’t know how to get ready, but I pushed myself to start. To my dismay, I was having difficulty tying my shoes, and at this point, I chose not to. I mustered all the strength to grab the bag that I had taken to the emergency room on Friday, and I walked out to my driveway. The ambulance came, and for the first time in 6 days, I finally felt that help was here.

The EMT in the ambulance was caring. He took my temperature and reported that it had hit 105. He started IV fluids and reassured me that I would be ok and not worry. Upon arriving at the hospital, the attendant took me into a room where a nurse helped me put on the hospital gown and began another IV. They wheeled me into my room, and they told me a physician would be coming to see me shortly.

Letting go of the Blame

When he came into the room, I said, “But I’ve been careful, safe. I wear a mask wherever I go. I get groceries delivered. Rarely go into the store”. I remember speaking those words as I lay in complete isolation on the COVID19 hospital wing. The doctor just looked at me through his mask, face shield, head cover while wearing his gloves, gown, and shoe covers and said, “it’s just a virus, and it’s everywhere.” There was a calmness in his words and what I know is that it was no longer up to me to set the alarm to try to control my fever. I remember closing my eyes and resting for the first time without fear.

Day 8 in COVID19 hospital wing

4 Replies to “Like It Used To Be”

  1. I could feel all the deep emotions and physical pain you were going through. You caught my attention immediately. I am glad you came through this experience and can maintain whatever life quality we all have as Covid continues. Reading and feeling your ordeal I hope I do not contract it.

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate the time you took to read it. I also hope that you do not contract this terrible virus because it does KILL.

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